How To Make Your Divorce Easier For Your Children
4th May 2021
No parent wants to knowingly inflict emotional pain on their children
But children aren't daft If things are rocky in your marriage, your children will have already picked up on it. From the way you speak to each other or the things you no longer do as a family etc. If your marriage isn't going to get better then home life isn't going to get better for your children It's fair to say a miserable marriage mean miserable children.
Yes, divorce is stressful and most children won't initially like their parents living apart, but happy parents mean happy children You are your children's first teacher and role model. Do you want them to learn to stay in an unhappy marriage, to accept it's ok to live a miserable life? Staying together for the sake of the children does not serve them well in the future
You may feel guilty for getting divorced, but you shouldn't let this hold you back from making the right decision for all of you. There are ways to make divorce easier on the children, which I will be exploring over my next few posts
Divorce doesn't have to be devastating if handled right
How To Protect your Children In A Divorce
Tip 1
Where you can, discuss and agree on how and when you are both going to break the news of your divorce to your children
Be Calm and be prepared for upset and questions
If you can, try and anticipate what questions they may ask and agree with your spouse about how you are going to answer them
Depending on their ages, common questions may be:
Who will we live with?
Will we be able to see mum/dad often?
Will I be able to go to the same school?
Who will we spend Christmas with?
Do you still love us?
Who’s fault is it?
Remember children are still children no matter how mature they are and they don’t need to know the ins and outs of your decision to divorce
If you want your children to be unscathed by your divorce it is important to make sure they maintain a positive relationship with both of you
The last thing you should do is confide in your children like you would an adult friend or get into finger-pointing and criticising their other parent
Tip 2
Many children, who learn that their parents are separating and getting divorced, initially feel rejected or that it is somehow their fault
It is important, therefore, to regularly reassure your children that it is not their fault and that they are both still loved very much and will continue to be so by both you and their other parent It is important for your children to understand that the divorce is about your relationship with their other parent and not about your relationship or the other parent's relationship with them
Teenagers are likely to have more complex feelings and reactions to the news. If you think your teenage child is struggling to come to terms with the changes divorce brings about, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. It is not a sign of weakness or a reflection on your parenting skills
Tip 3
Be honest with your children. If you don’t have the answer to a question they have asked, then say so
Remember, it is not fair on your children to burden them with your emotions and concerns…no matter how mature your children are and how much they encourage you to share your pain…children should be allowed to be children, so work on a needs to know basis
Your children are more likely to feel reassured if they sense you and their other parent are in control of the situation and working things out amicably or at least civilly even if you don’t have all the answers for them right now
Tip 4
Let them have a say
Divorce naturally brings about a lot of uncertainty for both you and your children It helps children deal with uncertainty if they feel involved in some of the decision making when it comes to the small stuff
For instance, let them pick out the bedding and decor for their new bedroom, what clothes to take with them when they spend time at their other parents home, what belongings they are going to leave at each home.
Allowing them to have a say, to some extent, in how they divide their time between you and their other parent may also help them adjust better
Don’t, however, allow your children to dictate to you. Remember, you are their parent and therefore you need to set boundaries and adhere to them. Listen to their wishes, consider and then you decide what is for the best.
Children feel safer knowing their parents are still parenting them even if they do challenge your decision making from time to time
Tip 5
Don’t hide away in shame Letting people outside the family know you are separating and getting divorced may help a lot. Telling your children school you are getting divorced allows your children’s teachers to look out for your children when you are not there. If your children uncharacteristically start misbehaving at school, become introverted or start getting lower marks their teachers will have the heads up and will be able to help
This also applies to the organisers of out of school activities your children may regularly attend
his also gives your children another outlet away from the immediate family to voice their feelings and worries
On the point, don’t forget to seek out support for yourself as you cannot pour from an empty cup. This support may be emotional support from friends/family or a professional or it may be legal support freeing you up to concentrate on your children and not the legal issues that go with getting a divorce If you would like help with the legal side of your separation and divorce, then please get in touch. I can lighten the burden you are currently carrying
The content of this article is intended to provide a general guide to the subject matter. Specialist advice should be sought about your specific circumstances
Sarah
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