Do You Want To Be In The Driving Seat Of Your Divorce?

16th June 2021

in the driving seat

Do You Prefer Being In The Driving Seat?

Do you want to be in the driving seat of your divorce?

I often say that the person who starts the divorce proceedings is in the driving seat and controls the process

Timing is everything

If your ex has already taken control, then consider what is driving them and whether control can be recovered or gained, if you didn't have it to start with, so that YOU are in the driving seat

Taking control doesn’t mean your divorce can’t be amicable

First, however, you need to look at whether you are in a high conflict marriage.

This can be subtle signs such as they always made the decisions about everything and you never disagreed because you knew there was no point or more obvious signs such as gaslighting or physical and emotional abuse

Alternatively, your ex is saying one thing to you and something different to other people. They appear charming to everyone and are well-liked

If you are in a high conflict marriage then your divorce strategy will be very different to someone who isn't. You will need to maintain strong and clear boundaries and surround yourself with a trustworthy support network

If you think you may be in a high conflict marriage and want to discuss your divorce strategy for leaving and obtaining a divorce, then get in touch to book an initial chat to see if I am the right legal support lawyer for you

Looking at WHY your ex is taking control of the divorce is a vital stage in developing a divorce strategy if you want to achieve a better outcome

Three common reasons are:

1. They feel out of control and insecure.

Despite what they portray to the outside world they actually lack self-confidence. They feel vulnerable and this is helpful information

2. They think they are trying to help you.

They think that they are helping by setting the pace and getting things done because they want it all over. They are setting the agenda to ensure the outcome of the divorce is what they want. However, you are your own person with your own needs and wants

3. They think they know best.

Whilst this may be what they think, it isn't usually the case.

Only you know what is best for you. Especially as you will be moving forward alone without your ex

If your ex is or has hijacked your divorce and is running the show and calling all the shots and you want to know how to take back the reins and have a say in how your divorce proceeds to achieve an outcome that suits you, then get in touch and let’s discuss strategy

Derailing the controller and taking back the reins 

So far we have looked at why your ex may be taking control of your divorce

Next, you should consider if you do actually need or want to take back control or whether it's ok for your ex to be doing all the leg work for you

It’s a question of whether you feel comfortable with your ex taking the lead and whether your voice is being heard and is acted upon.

If you feel your ex is being too pushy and disregarding your opinions and wishes on matters then it is time to grab the reins and take back (some) control

Your ex needs to know that whilst they may have taken control of all the decision making during your marriage now that you are separating you are your own person and will be making decisions for yourself.

Whilst they may not be used to this approach or like it very much but they will get used to it provided you are non-confrontational yet firm when you explain this change. However, this isn’t an invitation for you to take charge of them you just need to be in charge of yourself and your future

If your ex's motive was "to help", then initially they may feel rejected when you don’t go with their suggestions and idea’s. This is natural. How you handle their rejection is important to the outcome of the divorce and this is where I can guide you with this from an objective viewpoint based on decades of experience

If your ex's motivation is insecurity, then it is not your job to make them feel better. Again how you handle your ex is important and I can guide you on this from an objective viewpoint based on decades of experience

Remember, men and women speak different languages. What a man says is not what a woman hears and vice versa. There is no malice, it is just how it is. BUT how you handle conversations is very important and can be the difference between a peaceful divorce and a hostile one

If you want to be in the driving seat, want a strategy for your divorce, including how to communicate with your ex to have a chance of getting what you want without too much conflict, then drop me a line at to book and arrange an initial consultation

I wait to hear from you soon 


The content of this article is to provide general information only. You should always seek professional advice on your specific circumstances 

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