Is it time to leave your marriage?

5th November 2021

 

Recently, Adele released an album that she says was inspired by her own divorce

When do you know when your marriage can be salvaged, and when is it time to leave? 

 

IDENTIFY THE RED FLAGS

 

The first step is acknowledging the issues that are driving you to consider a divorce.

Red flags can include but are not limited to: dishonesty, avoiding spending time together, or feeling like your partner dampens your mood, self-esteem or self-belief or the realisation that their values don’t align with yours

Clients often tell me that they:

 

• * no longer feel the same about each other are making each other miserable.
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• * one or both of them is no longer willing to make it work or pull out all the stops to make it work are stifling each other,
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• * want different things or just a different outlook on life
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• * are both pulling in different directions and are no longer willing to compromise or be there for each other
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• * unfaithfulness which the other is unwilling to forgive and forget
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I always explore with a new client whether a red flag can be remedied avoiding the ending of the relationship  

Whilst red flags indicate a problem in a marriage they don’t have to be terminal

In my opinion infidelity, lack of communication, lack of trust and an unresolved problematic past are the biggest red flags in a marriage, but they are not surmountable with a little effort and time. 

It’s important to voice concerns early as your partner isn’t a mind reader. Listen to understand not to reply and then address the issues together.

 

THE RED FLAGS THAT SHOULDN’T BE IGNORED

 

Any signs of abuse – physical or emotional, because these are not issues that can be worked through and the damage is permanent

It's important to be aware of less "obvious" signs of emotional abuse such as gaslighting (where your spouse makes you question your sense of reality), narcissistic tendencies such as negging, where you're constantly being put down by your partner.

 

GIVE YOUR PARTNER A CHANCE TO CHANGE

 

Before ending your marriage give your spouse a chance to change I always say that marriage is like a job, you need to turn up each day and work at it

I put to my clients the following four key questions and ask them to answer honestly: 

 

• 1. What is the main reason you want to leave?
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• 2. How do you feel the majority of the time (happy or sad)?
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• 3. Are you always having fights about the same things?
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• 4. Do you think change is possible in the long term?
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It’s important to tell your partner how you are feeling, listen to them to understand not to reply and give them a chance to change in an agreed timeframe. Then review how you feel a few months after the timescale agreed so allow for slippage into old ways

Relationship counselling is a good option if you struggle to express your feelings or you don’t feel you have the tools to resolve the red flags

 

CONCERNED ABOUT THE IMPACT OF YOUR SEPARATION ON YOUR CHILDREN

 

Your happiness comes first. A happy parent usually means a happy child Communication is crucial. Your child shouldn't be left in the dark completely, but they don’t need to hear every small detail of your separation. You should explain to them (ideally with their other parent) that they are not to blame and that they are very much loved by both of you Whether you have had an amicable separation or not, put aside your differences and feelings when your children are around. The golden rule to ensure your child isn’t adversely affected by your divorce is never to allow your child to hear one parent bad mouthing the other.

 

LET GO OF THE GUILT

 

Don’t feel guilty if your reach the decision your marriage has broken down irretrievably

Guilt is a normal and natural reaction to what is one of the biggest life decisions you are likely to ever make. When there are children involved feel guilty can be all-consuming. 

Be confident in your decision to leave your marriage if you have good reasons for doing so and have not reached your decision lightly or quickly

Think long term about the benefit to yourself and your children.

Divorce often means positive change and your children deserve a life without constant conflict going on around them and to see the happiest version of you. 

If you would like a confidential chat please get in touch with me 

Sarah 

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